After talking with the counselor she also sent me for an ultrasound, just to be safe due to me being high risk, but during the ultrasound they found some troubling things, the baby's heart rate was very high (198) and the neck fluid was measuring higher than normal (4 mm). They told me that this could be the sign of a chromosome abnormality, possible miscarriage, heart problems, or even in some cases it could turn out to be nothing. They just didn't have enough to go on, so they scheduled me to come back in 2 more weeks for a follow up ultrasound. I had my blood drawn as well for the chromosome testing, but they told me that that can also take 7-10 days. I was a mess after hearing this news! Waiting 2 weeks after hearing your baby might have a problem is just plain cruel!
I received a call on Monday the 11th about my chromosome testing, I was thrilled when she told me my baby did not have a chromosome problem! Then she asked me if I wanted to know the baby's sex. At first I said no, I wanted to wait, but that was short lived, I ended up calling her back about 5 minutes later to find out that I was having a GIRL! - I already had names chosen, so she was now Caitlyn Hope Zhang. I was so excited by all my good news, but concerned because we still didn't know what was going on with my baby, so I decided to make an appointment with my doctor to check the baby's heartbeat later that day. My appointment was at 4, so I took Tyler with me right after I got off work. We waited quite a while at the doctors office before I finally got in. The doctor tried to find the baby's heartbeat with the little handheld device, but wasn't having much luck so we went to the ultrasound room instead, where my fears were realized - my baby no longer had a heartbeat - The odd part was that I didn't even cry, I think after all my loss I'm actually starting to get numb to it. We scheduled another ultrasound at the hospital for the next day, just to be sure, but we were also scheduling my D&C for Wednesday. After leaving the doctor's office is when it finally hit me and I cried on and off for the rest of the night.
The next day I went in for the hospital ultrasound where they indeed verified that my baby had passed. They called me later that day to tell me that my D&C would be at 6AM Wednesday morning.
When I had my D&C with my first baby at the Layton hospital, they actually gave me a paper telling me that they cremate all their miscarried babies and spread the ashes in a certain location at the Ogden cemetery, which sounded like a nice thing to me. So when the Doctor showed up for my D&C I asked her what happens to the baby's body at this hospital, she said that they go to pathology first then they "dispose of the body" - that just didn't sound right to me to have my baby girl just thrown out like trash, so I asked if I could have her cremated instead. I know it's probably weird to want a 12 week fetus cremated, but the thought of her just being thrown away really bothered me. The hospital was fine with that, so they sent her body to pathology first then to a mortuary in town for cremation.
I'm still having a hard time believing that she's actually gone, when not even 2 weeks ago I saw her moving all around on the ultrasound. - Goodbye my sweet angel! I love you!
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