Lost

The title pretty much sums it up - I feel so lost right now! I am having a very tough time getting over this last loss. Although this baby only made it to 12 weeks, this was to be our last try - so I went from expecting to have a new baby to expecting to NEVER have a new baby - which (in my opinion) is quite a shock to the system. Before even trying to get pregnant this time, my husband and I had discussed it and we decided that this was to be our last try no matter the outcome, and at the time it sounded like a good plan, but after being pregnant and getting my hopes up AGAIN it is REALLY hard to bring my mindset back to no more babies! And before you ask, NO, I don't see adoption as an option for us. My husband is Chinese and in his mind one child is enough, plus I didn't really want to have any more babies after 40 (I turn 39 in April) - so we are done!
My life has changed so drastically and so suddenly that it's hard to process. Just over a month ago I was thinking that this May I would have a new baby, work a couple days a week and my husband was going to take time off from going to school to help out, NOW, Tyler is to be an only child and I left my job so that my husband could go to school full time. What the hell is going on!? I have been pregnant 6 times and Tyler is my only living child - why can't I have babies like everybody else!? What did I do that was so wrong!?
I have been trying to find the positive side of this, like having more money and more time. I've also been trying to find my old self, the one who didn't even really even want kids, the one who was more brave and adventurous, but after spending nearly a decade with my total focus being to have babies, I've lost myself in that pursuit. Unfortunately, I think it's going to take some time to bring myself back, and even if I do, I still won't be quite the same - sadly pain changes people -
Well, if what they say is true then I have 5 angels waiting for me in heaven, so by that mentality I must be somebody pretty special for God to choose me to have his angels. But sadly I don't feel this way, I feel almost the opposite, like I must be such a horrible person that God is punishing me by taking my children away ....well.... I guess I must not be completely terrible since I was blessed enough to at least have Tyler! He is such a good boy and becoming such a smart little guy - he can even read some small words! Which is just incredible to me! -My super smarty! He too has had a ruff time recently, he went from having a cold at the beginning of November to being sick again mid November with 2 ear infections and a sore throat (possibly strep, but we didn't test since he was already getting antibiotics) then just days after he finished his antibiotic, he was sick again, this time it was for sure strep - Poor boy!
Anyway, to sum it up, it's been a ruff year at my house - I just pray that next year is better!