2 Months

It's been 2 months now since I lost baby Caitlyn and I am still struggling. I keep remembering how emotional and happy I was during her 11 week ultrasound when I saw her moving all around, my heart was just so full of love and excitement to see her alive and moving that it actually brought tears to my eyes ... and then just minutes later my tears of joy turned to tears of sorrow when I was informed that something was wrong.... I have since been reliving all of my losses ... remembering the stabbing pain in my heart when I learned I had lost my first baby nearly 7 years ago ... remembering that tragically short moment in time when I held Kylee's little body in my arms ... remembering the news that my third baby didn't seem to be growing anymore ... and even that short lived moment of joy 4 years ago on Thanksgiving when I learned I was pregnant again, before the anger hit when I started bleeding the next day. I'm just praying that I can move on soon, I'm so tired of feeling this pain! In fact I am actually starting to believe that God (if there is one) must just enjoy torturing people! I feel as though my life is just falling apart around me! Although I am incredibly blessed to have my son, I feel like I’m just a mediocre mother to him. I love him dearly, but I feel bad that he is stuck with me – his broken mom! I also feel like I’m slowly pushing my husband away, my husband doesn't like to talk about things like this, so I just keep the emotions bottled around him, try to make it seem like I’m alright, but at the same time I don’t really think I’m fooling anyone, maybe I’m just trying to fool myself. My house is always a mess, I eat junk all the time (my poor family too), I am gaining weight and don’t even want to work on it, hell, I rarely even bother getting dressed anymore unless I have somewhere to go - I just plain don’t care! I am still trying to be a “good” person by crocheting those little bears for other angel mommies, and if you read the posts on that website you’d think I was some kind of saint – but really, all I’m doing is making bears – how does that really help anyone?! I just plain feel like this “life” can’t be mine – I feel like I’m stuck in darkness, like I just can’t seem to find the light switch. People tell me to turn to God, he will help me, and trust me I have been trying, but I just don’t think God wants anything to do with me. I have begged him to give me reasons for all this pain, to show me somehow that my babies are all right … but all I get from him is - NOTHING - Oh well, I guess I should really stop whining now -  I mean I do still have my incredible son! I just wish I could get my focus back on him and quit wondering about a life I'm apparently not supposed to have.